Why You Shouldn’t “Just Be Yourself”
“Just be yourself” is one of the most common pieces of advice we hear from people. And if it were universally understood to mean that there is deep value in showing up in the world as our most authentic, vulnerable, mature selves, there likely wouldn’t be anything wrong with this expression. The problem arrises when we all too easily interpret this to mean that we should act however it is most comfortable and familiar for us to act. “Be yourself” seems to imply there is a way of being that is “pretending” to be someone else, and that we should avoid this at all costs. In avoiding this - and in constantly acting in alignment with what is comfortable and familiar - we also keep ourselves from developing in the ways we may need to.
A case example: working with anger
I was recently working with a client who was recounting a time he had let his anger get the better of him. A stranger had cut in front of him and his partner in a line for movie tickets, and he reacted with an outburst of frustration and anger that spooked his partner and created unnecessary tension between the two of them. My client was confused because, in his own words, “I was acting authentically. I really felt anger. I was being myself”. How could things have gone any better if by simply “being himself” he had created more distance between himself and his partner?
When we are “being ourselves” we all too often give our power away to our personality. Personality, however, is the construct of our historical shaping; it is the way we have learned to armor ourselves and defend ourselves from the hurts and pains of the world. Yes it is true this client was acting in accordance with his “authentic self”, but only in the sense that he was acting in a way that felt familiar and normal for him. He was acting in the way he was most practiced in and (as is often the case in these sorts of situations) this behavior was also out of alignment with his values. In this case, his value was his desire to maintain trust and connection with his partner.
Practicing being how you want to be
An alternative to “being ourselves” is “being how we want to be”. This means getting clear on how we want to show up in the world - what kind of invitation we want to be to others - and practicing speaking and acting in ways in alignment with that vision. This often means letting go of our impulses, our initial reactions, and instead being very intentional and purposeful with how we want to be in that moment.
Does this mean “faking it”?
While I don’t personally have a problem with the “fake it till you make it” mantra, a lot of people do. If my client had chosen to pause, take a breath, and remind himself to practice being someone else in that moment (the person he is working to become), isn’t that like “faking” being who he really is? I would say no. It’s not faking it; it is intentionally organizing yourself in the way you want to show up in the world.
Each time we intentionally organize our body and our thinking to be in alignment with how we want to show up in the world, this moves us an inch closer to being the person we want to be. This process can feel awkward, unfamiliar, and even forced at times. Reconditioning ourselves in this way can feel like faking it. But it only feels that way until we have practiced enough times that it begins to feel more normal. Remember: we are what we practice, and we are always practicing something. Being intentional with what you practice means that you may be acting in ways that do not feel like yourself. This is a good thing: this is how we practice a way of being that is in alignment with our values.
Contact me to learn more about somatic coaching and bodywork as a path of practicing being how you want to be.