A Somatic Approach to Low Self-Confidence and Low Self-Esteem
Most of my clients struggle with some version of a “I’m not good enough” story. This is normal and to be expected. And while it can be useful to explore where this narrative comes from (such as how it may have been internalized from the messages we received growing up), this isn’t usually the focus of coaching. In coaching, we want to emphasis practical steps to quiet the old story and keep moving toward the life we want, so let’s explore several possibilities here.
Challenging the thought
This is often one of the least helpful approaches to working with limiting self-narratives, but that’s not to say that we should altogether ignore it. Noticing if you can actually ground your “I’m not good enough” story with evidence that proves it (you can’t) can be helpful for some people. It can be especially helpful to see that very often it is a narrative you have devised internally and that others are not actively communicating this assessment to you. In other words, it’s a self-assessment. And while we can’t erase these stories about ourselves, we can write new and more life-affirming and self-affirming stories to practice living in. A new narrative about ourselves, like a positive affirmation, can be part of what is needed to help us move ourselves towards a new future.
Reshaping the body and shifting our mood
As a somatic bodyworker and coach, this is my favorite approach to working with low self-confidence. The bodywork, coaching, and somatic practices are all designed to support my clients in feeling how they can be in a body that looks and feels more relaxed and alive, and therefore confident. If we are slouched, contracted, our chest tight and eyes downcast, it will be very hard to shift away from those old stories. Since our emotions and our body sensations are directly linked, it’s essential to practice being in a body that demonstrates self-trust. When we stand in our full length, feeling our feet on the ground, our breathing relaxed and dropped in the belly, our face relaxed and our energy extending out into the world, it is much easy to show up with greater self-esteem. And we could say the same goes for mood: we want to turn up the dial on a mood that is generally warm, upbeat, and invitational, assuming those are the qualities we want to be exuding.
Being the observer and practicing acceptance
One of the places people often get stuck is wanting their “I’m not good enough” story to go away or thinking that if they were fixed or healthy (or good enough) that they wouldn’t have to struggle with these thoughts. But this struggling usually just serves to intensify the uncomfortable thought. Fundamentally these thoughts are trying to orient us towards safety, and wanting them to go away is simply not possible because our psychobiology is built to focus on safety and belonging. We can use some “psychological distancing” to practice acceptance of these uncomfortable thoughts by observing them as just that: uncomfortable thoughts. You are not the thought; you are the one noticing the thought. You don’t need to focus on the thought, and you don’t need to effort to push it away. You can practice allowing the thought to be there in the background.
Asking “is this thought helpful?”
One way to practice this allowing is to imagine this thought as a very dear friend, who is constantly churning out unhelpful advice, who you are essentially stuck with at all times. And the key word is unhelpful. Getting too bogged down in trying to figure out if the thought is true or false can lead us in circles. However, asking ourselves “is this thought helpful?” can help us see that we no longer want to keep focusing on the thought. Like that imaginary friend we are stuck with, we are not taking their advice seriously, nor are we fighting with them and trying to make them disappear. We are just letting them tag along. We want to keep moving ourselves to take actions that align with the life we want for ourselves, even while those old stories run in the background. The fact is that we simply don’t have a lot of control over our thoughts and emotions; we have considerably more agency when it comes to our actions. Sometimes the best we can do is to keep being in action toward our goals while allowing those uncomfortable thoughts and emotions to be there.
Interested in exploring one of the above practices? Schedule a consultation to see how somatic bodywork and somatic coaching can support you.