How Do I Stop Uncontrollable Crying?

It’s not uncommon I work with people who have difficulty regulating tears and crying, and who worry they cry at inappropriate times. As adults, the expectation is that we can hold a difficult conversation at work or with a partner without necessarily and automatically breaking down in tears at mild or moderate upsets. So what’s going on here, and how can we practice doing something different?

Understanding the connection with your old story

One place to look here is how the tears are connected to what I routinely call “old stories”. These self-narratives often stem from childhood (hence they are old) and, if we let them, they will usually run our behavior. “I’m bad”, “I’m not good enough”, “others don’t care about me”; these are all common examples of old stories that get triggered when we are under stress. Understanding the connection between your old story and your crying isn’t necessarily sufficient to break the pattern, but it’s an important aspect of seeing more clearly what’s going on for you. If you can notice yourself as triggered in the moment and notice the narrative you are telling yourself, you have much more choice moving forward.

Feeling what’s happening in the body

When we are triggered, there is a core contraction in the body - an initial place in the body that tightens or way that we contract in the tissue of the body. For example, this could mean that we tighten our pelvic floor, tense our shoulders, or contract our jaw. When under stress, this tightening will happen automatically and if we are not yet practiced in noticing it and relaxing it, it will directly impact our thinking and emotional reactions.

In the case of crying, the tears have become an aspect of this core contraction. It’s as if the energy needs to move somehow, and we have learned to direct it through tears. Perhaps we grew up in a household where crying was acceptable, but expressing anger was not. Or maybe crying was how we got attention, and we learned early on that if we had tears we would be accepted and comforted by others. Or perhaps we have simply forgotten how to relax under pressure, and so the tension of the moment gets discharged through tears. Whatever the particulars, the crying has become practiced and conditioned as part of the way we move energy when we are under some sort of pressure in life.

Finding new practices to support new action

So what can be done about all this? To begin, if we can identify the old story and if we have a new story we are working to embody, that is always an opportunity to practice living in a different self-narrative. It can be helpful here to remember that the part of yourself that is wanting to cry is a young, hurt part within yourself. Comforting that part of yourself is important, so rather than identifying as the young and hurt child, speaking to the child as the present-day adult is a powerful way to shift the dynamic.

This is also a good moment to take a deep breath. Remember: in through the nose, filling the belly, then the chest, with an uncontrolled exhale through the mouth. Drop your attention down to your belly and to your feet. If you are sitting, feel your sit bones on the chair. A robust centering practice will do wonders for you here in bringing you back into a body that is relaxed and allowing energy to move through your whole body. When we hold our breath or tighten around the torso, it is much more challenging to ground ourselves in these challenging moments. 

Interested in going deeper with how somatic coaching can support you with regulating yourself under pressure? Please schedule a free consultation to learn more. I look forward to hearing from you!