Somatic Coaching For Empowerment
Empowerment is the ability to be aware of what choices are available, and then take centered action based on what is needed or most appropriate. When we feel we have lost our sense of empowerment, our history is preventing us from acting as leaders of our own lives; our past is controlling how we behave in the present moment.
Appeasement
Very often, clients struggling to regain a sense of personal empowerment have histories in which they had to overly-appease in order to secure a sense of safety and belonging. When we are young, if we have to choose between acting in alignment with our perceived safety and acting in alignment with our values (authenticity), we will always choose safety. This often comes in the form of saying yes when we want to say no, or having a challenging time maintaining appropriate boundaries. In somatics, we may refer to this as a “shape” of appeasement, or say that the individual has a “conditioned tendency” toward appeasement.
Somatically, people with these histories may tilt their head to the side while in conversation (a classic sign of deference, and one that is often visible between dogs displaying subservience), or unconsciously nod their head up and down repeatedly while listening. Nodding the head aggressively in this way, holding the eyes wide open, and repeatedly saying “yeah” or “mm-hmm” can all be unconscious ways to demonstrate that we are being a “good listener” or that we are “ready to do what we are told”. Of course these aren’t bad or wrong, but when done excessively and instinctively, they indicate that we are still acting from a place of appeasement rather than a place of being settled within ourselves in the present moment.
Becoming Assertive
Being empowered means we are practiced in being assertive. Classically, assertive behavior is that sweet spot between aggressive and passive. Under pressure, most of us have a tendency either to acquiesce (have no boundaries and become passive) or become aggressive, defensive or inappropriately angry. These less effective behaviors may have served us well historically, but they get in the way of our sense of empowerment and assertive communication as the mature, authentic adults we want to be. For many of my clients, both passive and aggressive behavior is what was modeled for them growing up, and so part of the challenge is that they have not seen assertive action on display by the adults who were supposed to be teaching them and supporting them.
How to say no
What all of this amounts to is that we need practices that support us in saying no and in making requests of others. This can mean practicing speaking this out, and it can also mean getting a felt sense of what it feels like in our body to act from an assertive posture. There are many standing practices that support clients with this; practices in which we make contact with one another in the room (such as turning the other person around and physically walking them away with our hands on their back) in order to feel how to do this effectively in our bodies. When we walk someone away while saying “no”, we can notice: are we limp, passive, or tentative in the quality of our touch? Alternatively, are we over-extended and uncaring? Ideally, we want to become practiced in a firm but caring quality of touch that communicates to the other body that we are connected to them and also clear in our boundaries.
Difference between somatic therapy and somatic coaching
Notice that in a standing practice such as the one illustrated above, we are not just talking about making declines. What is needed is to practice feeling it in the very literal tissues of the body. Through such practices we are reminding the nervous system that it is safe enough and capable enough to move in this way in the relational space. If you practice being in a body that can show up assertively, then it will be much easier for your mind to follow.
Many of these practices can be done virtually in addition to in person. Contact me to learn more about somatic coaching and start practicing now!