Why Is It So Hard To Be Kind To Yourself?
The short answer: you haven’t practiced enough.
Most of the clients I work with want to appreciate, validate, thank, affirm, or love themselves more. Of course, there is wanting something because it sounds like a good idea, and then there is the challenge of committing to a daily practice. As we see in Somatics, we are what we practice. If you’ve spent years being hard on yourself or telling yourself that you aren’t good enough, that narrative shapes your behaviors and becomes how you live in your body. Shifting your self-narrative to a more self-compassionate, self-forgiving story is nearly always difficult for these clients, in part because it requires being open to new practices that may feel weird, difficult, or forced.
Client bodywork case examples
Recently I was working with a client who, on the table during a bodywork session, began to feel more sensation in her legs. She spoke about how she felt a sudden impulse to send some appreciation toward her legs - to simply acknowledge and thank them for all they’ve done for her in her life. I asked if she would like to speak those words out loud. She paused for a moment before saying that it felt inauthentic; all of a sudden it felt like she would be forcing the words. The moment had come and gone, and so did her desire to practice appreciating her legs.
In a recent bodywork session with a different client, something similar occurred. This time, the client noticed being flooded with an anger and told me she had an impulse to grit her teeth and let out a loud sound or growl. Again, I asked if she would like to go ahead and practice doing exactly that. She paused briefly before declining and letting me know that it felt forced - she felt like it didn’t feel authentic anymore and her body’s impulse to express in that way had subsided.
The old self-narrative keeps us small
So what exactly is happening here?
My assessment is that in both of these examples, the clients’ old self-narratives from childhood - stories about how they were too much, not good enough, or not capable - stopped them from practicing doing something new. In the body, this takes the form of a contraction - either a tightening of the tissue or muscles or a tamping down of energy and sensation. In short, they contained themselves.
Remember that the old self-narratives are serving to keep us feeling that we are safe or feeling that we belong. For example, we may have grown up being told that appreciating our body means we are selfish, and that selfish people are bad. Or we may have grown up being emotionally abused when we expressed ourselves in a loud and angry voice. For both of the women in these examples, the old messages about what would happen to them or what it would mean about them if they let themselves take these sorts of new actions stopped them from completing the action. Their history was running the show. It wasn’t the present-day, grounded and centered adult making the decision: it was the younger part of themselves that thinks something bad will happen if they let themselves express.
We have to practice even if it is uncomfortable
Whether we are practicing speaking kindly to ourselves, letting ourselves express our rage, or any other number of new practices that serve to increase self-compassion and self-expression, our history has a sneaky way of tamping down our impulse. This is why it’s essential that we are open and curious to practice even if we don’t feel like it. We practice taking new actions so we can get comfortable with them; we don’t want to wait until it feels “natural”. The old story thinks it’s keeping you safe, but we want to question this assumption. Indeed, very often the old story that once kept you safe is now what is keeping you from stepping into your power.
Are you willing to practice new behaviors that can support you in living in a body that is more self-understanding and more self-loving? Contact me to inquire about somatic coaching, offered both in person and online.