Somatic Coaching For Connection And Relationships
I work with a lot of people who want more connection and intimacy in their lives. Whether you’re looking to find more of a community or find a partner, noticing how you show up in the relational space is vitally important. Others feel your presence by seeing how you look, what mood you put out into the space, and they sense your intentions. If you want to be an invitation to others, you want to practice looking and sounding like an invitation. This is where somatic coaching can be hugely beneficial.
It’s not just body language
Recently, I was working with a client who very much wants to be in a relationship and wants to meet a partner. As I often do with clients, I asked her to show me how she walks. Why walking? Because this is how we move about in the world, take up space, and enter into a new room and a new space. When we are walking we are in action. We are not just moving our bodies from point A to point B - we are practicing a way of being, and we want to be intentional with what we are communicating to the outside world.
As I watched my client I encourage her to “just walk normal”, without overthinking it. Her eyes downcast, shoulders rolled forward, and hips rigid with little rotation, she produced in me the assessment that she was closed off. I did not see someone who was inviting in connection. As I encouraged her then to experiment with taking her gaze up, slightly lifting the corners of her mouth, and letting her hips and shoulders move in a more relaxed way, she immediately noticed how open, vulnerable, and unusual it felt to move like that. This, I validated, was a normal response to practicing a different way of being in her body. As the observer, seeing her move in this more relaxed and confident gate, I saw someone who was communicating to the outside that she was present, open, and available for connection. It wasn’t just that she had different body language - it was her way of being that was different.
Isn’t it “being fake” if we don’t actually feel upbeat, confident, or open?
In somatics we practice living in a body that support how we want to be different in the world. It’s not faking it; it’s practicing organizing your body in a way that aligns with your values. You may not always feel open to creating connection, but if that is what you want for yourself, you need to practice taking the shape of someone who is. How our face looks, how we make eye contact, and the mood that we extend out with all determine what it is we are inviting in. If we look angry, for instance, we will push the people away who are wanting a loving or warm connection. We may not realize we are doing this - it will happen on its own simply by nature of the mood we are exuding. Living in your body means moment-to-moment practicing being in a body that communicates to others that you are present, open, and available for connection (assuming those are values that you hold). Of course, we don’t always have to be open to connection, but we want to be in choice about when we are and when we are not. We can’t be in choice if we are not living in our bodies and noticing our muscles and noticing our moods and emotions.
But what if it still feels inauthentic to pretend?
Yes, you can overdo it. I’m not talking about always having a big smile, or always needing to be in a happy, upbeat mood. That would be fake. However, if your intention is to build connection with people who value curiosity, joy, and intimacy (and most people I speak with absolutely want more of this) then it will be very challenging to feel those moods and connect with others if you are practicing being sad, bitter, or resentful. Remember, we are always practicing something - we can’t not practice being in a particular mood and looking a certain way. Given this, we might as well practice in a way that aligns with what we want more of!
If you would like somatic coaching on how you can practice being in your body in ways that better serve your goals for relationship, contact me to schedule a free phone consultation.